I went to my cousin's wedding today. It was in this quaint little church in a small, southern Minnesotan town. With my parents and both sets of aunts/uncles nearby, I proceeded to sob like a baby. This wasn't because the ceremony was exceptionally beautiful; I wasn't moved to tears because of how happy I was for them. It was because I saw him.

Everything was fine for a long while, until they began to recite their vows to each other. My cousin Amie and her husband-to-be, Jared, stared soulfully into each other's eyes. The love between them was so strong. I made the mistake of entertaining a thought: I wonder if I'll ever see this day?

The hallucination was immediate. I sat rigidly in my seat, seeing the scene before me change. Jared became the man I still yearn for, smiling warmly at his bride, confessing his love for her in front of the congregation with nothing but honest love in his voice. That long blonde hair, those blue eyes, that laugh, everything flooded me like it wasn't an illusion. I knew I had to look away, so I looked at Amie... and she was me. I was in that white dress that I'm earning, with my hair done up spectacularly. And in my eyes sparkled the entire world, for him, like it always has. They lit the candle together, exchanged rings, and then came that first wedded kiss. Her perspective became my perspective; I got a taste of something I'll never even have. With tears streaming down my face and my hands shaking, I snapped back again. My family thought I was happy.

The reception went almost smoothly. Dinner was delicious, and I enjoyed spending time with the relatives that I hardly ever see. I was actually quite excited for the couple's "first dance." Their chosen song came on, and I thought it sounded eerily familiar. Within the next five seconds, I knew what it was: "Near You Always" was the song that we were going to use. I wanted to look away, I knew what was going to happen, but I couldn't do it. My eyes felt glued to them as they danced around the floor, the image in my brain dissimilar to the one playing out before my eyes. I was my cousin again, and he was... He was with me. Dancing to the song he showed to me, that I picked, that he agreed on. So much did I want to just get up and bolt, to run as fast and as far as I could, and be alone, and not imagine any of that ever again. I only realized I was weeping when my dad put his hand on my shoulder and said, "I know how you feel... That's a really beautiful thing." It's too bad that my facial expression for "mental trauma" looks the same as my expression for "beauty," or that he's probably blind.

We drove the two hours home. I beat 358/2 Days along the way. I get home, check my e-mails, and remember that more info on Love never Dies (the sequel to The Phantom of the Opera) was supposed to have been released on October 8th, so I went looking for it. Turns out that Webber released a song from the upcoming musical. I sobbed for the third time in eight hours. [link]

~*~

The day starts, the day ends
Time crawls by
Night steals in, pacing the floor
The moments creep,
yet I can't bear to sleep
'til I hear you sing

And weeks pass, and months pass
Seasons fly;
still you don't walk through the door
And in a haze,
I count the silent days
'til I hear you sing once more

And sometimes, at night time,
I dream that you are there,
but wake holding nothing but the empty air

And years come, and years go
Time runs dry
Still I ache down to the core
My broken soul
can't be alive and whole
'til I hear you sing once more

And music, your music,
it teases at my ear
I turn and it fades away, and you're not here!

Let hopes pass, let dreams pass
Let them die!
Without you, what are they for?
I'll always feel
no more than halfway real
'til I hear you sing once more...

~*~

Which brings me to a rambling, confusing point. I sing Christine's parts, I'm doing a novel-Christine costume for CONvergence, I've always seen myself as a Chrstine sort of person, waiting for someone to come and sweep her off her feet, and give her a happy life in the sun. But I see more that I'm fixated, obsessed, and inconsolable. I heard that song, and I reached out a hand to the screen without noticing, perhaps somehow wanting to touch, to tell Erik, Phantom, whatever your choice is, that someone else feels what he feels, that someone else knows what it's like to love someone with all of your heart and soul, to lay the world at someone's feet... only to get kicked in the face... but you still love them. You know there's no hope of them ever loving you, but you love them, and can think of nothing else, or be happy around anyone else.

I flinch and hide and deny requests for company from all interested parties; I tell people I'm not single when I truly am by myself, just to avoid thinking of relationships, which lets me avoid thinking of him. I don't want to trust people, and I've somehow developed an aversion to people touching me. I can't forge meaningful relationships or readily maintain the ones I have. I try so hard to move on with my life, but just when I think I've made progress, something stirs in my memory and the process starts all over again.

An intelligent, plain-speaking gentleman from Arkansas likes me a lot, and I'm trying to reciprocate, but I fail. None of this is fair to him. I try to think of him and how natural it felt when we met at AnimeIowa, and I think of the other one instead. I pull up memories, and it has the wrong person in it. It's almost like he's everywhere I turn. I can't stand feeling this way. It hurts too much, and it hurts other people.

I've cried so much today, you'd think I'd be done. I don't know what else to do. I guess I'll just cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry 'til there's nothing left in me. Maybe then, I can start all over...

Would it heal my heart, or just cripple it?